Triangles

– [Dr. Bowen] Had a comment?

– [Female Student] How would you deal, or would you deal, with a Triangle, if you see a triangle in the family that, I think I see a triangle, that I am not a part of in my family Or I’m not sure that I’m a part of it. I see it in a present generation person going back to a past generation. Are there steps for working on that, or is that none of my business?

– It’s probably none of your damn business. Now I would say from experience that you’ve been moved to differentiation yourself and you can be disengaged and apart from everything that’s when all of that will change. The more you try to change them, the more you will get loused up. But in the family system and you will have the nerve to do and stay outside the original system. You could stay outside the system, and the system will change. You try to change it, it probably won’t.

– [Female Student] Just one other question about Triangles. Are there predictable steps in de-triangulating the Triangle that I am in, that would be applied fairly in pretty much the same form to each Triangle like ours? Are there predictable steps?

– Yeah. The main thing in that is to do the opposite of what the Triangle did to create the situation. You do that, you take it back. Always, stay out of it. You just don’t get into the Into the reactivity the emotional, the essential part of the triangle you just don’t get into them. If you can stay out of it you’re attractive to other people. Question?

– [Female Student] It seems to me that when you’re talking about that that there are going to be people who agree with you and people who disagree and somehow it’s dealing with sides and to do that you’re gonna need to know who’s gonna be on either one of those sides and around what issues, somehow judge whether or not you need to start maybe in a mature way What are you gonna do about people who pick four sides? No I mean you in order to not get caught in that, I think somehow you need to know that ahead of time I’m speaking for myself, when I don’t know it ahead of time I don’t know what I don’t know

– What the hell you know I won’t agree

– [Student] Not necessarily, I mean I have some ideas about how I think ones in my family got created sometimes I don’t sleep until I’ve had

– I thought you’d be more getting somewhere in the lecture process this picture of a big interlocking triangle and and the forces that move that more than a triangle That is to do with tension systems Which are always in a triangle And as the tension rises, what a triangle does the more people try to deal with it

– [Student ] I read all that and when it’s sat there on paper it makes perfect sense in my head when I get around family, the heck with whether I’ve read it or not, I just get clobbered all over the place I can get back to the paper, and read it, and understand it fine, but back in my family I feel like I’ve never read it Good for your family, they use you in the family meat grinder Which is where you’ve been all your life so you gotta stay outta that and for me to say simplistically that avoiding reactivity one way is a simplistic way of saying it People in the families get caught up in that if you can control your reactivity but in general if you can do that, anytime the differentiating person can be less involved with the other side of the triangle is a plus Anytime they can scream softer then the rest of the family Some people are spitting on each other from down the street I can always be nice to nasty people, don’t be nasty back they’re gonna watch you do it, they’ll blame ya

– [Student] What if they ignore you, how to you avoid the cutoff?

– If you know you’re right, if they ignore you, better be sure you’re right They know you’re right, keep going Maybe ignoring is an index that you are successful

– [Student] That I was successful?

– I thought about that one, about listing the ways you know you are successful when the family says you’re not if you’re sure you’re successful, you can keep going If you’re not sure you’re successful, do it their way You go ahead and watch that thing And they will gobble you up They’ll do something, give you diabetes, or gall bladder problems or a broken leg How many can

– [Student] Or all of them. Keep trying not to be the victim of the triangle. Without being a jerk about it.

– Cause most of them are controversial jerks You go out waving your banner, you’re going pick it up, pick it up They’ll take you If you’re gonna

– [Student] And if you’ve already been a jerk?

– What?

– Stop being one, it’s been a year now and don’t be a dove taking peace offerings cause that gonna be suspicious of you Don’t take flowers and end up being a jerk They’ll put you under the flowers that’s what you and me you know, controversy gifts, mostly not effective. Unless they like you to go all out That’s what you do when you mess up bad isn’t it when you screw up a marriage, you come bearing alms