The Motivated One

– So, in general, I was one of the ones that moved on toward working with one family member. That came just from experience. I can see a whole family together, and you get weary, weary, weary hearing the same old garbage over and over and over. It’s almost as if they think up garbage to bring for you. So, I gradually began cutting it down to the one most motivated. You know, in a number of years, when I used to do what I called multiple therapy, and that would be both parents in big groups together. I didn’t have a long time, and then I thought, boy is that all a waste of time. I can make it go faster by making the same time and devoting it to one if need be. And all I wanted was one out in front running like hell, going up that mountain fast. And if they’re out there, you don’t have to worry about the rest of the family. They’re gonna get in gear pretty fast. So I gradually moved on, seeing one person, and I would say that has been an earmark in Georgetown through the years. And that would be, you know. There was another one with that. It was a big one and another one of those early ones. This would be one in which a um, wife was going up the river in a motorboat, but she sees some others on the barge. And boy she went by, and oh oh oh. And then she got up there, and the river, of course is a river and she didn’t know whether to go this way or this way. So, she goes back down to find out which way the barge, whoop, decision. And now the god damn barge went up one way and now she can’t get by. So, all she can do is putt putt on behind the barge. I thought that was a beautiful one. She let the barge make a group decision for her, and she kept going. And I’ll say, when you get the ball and you’re moving it, don’t look back, don’t look back, it might be gaining on ya. Just keep going just as far and fast as you can move that ball. Just as long as you believe in moving it, and if you do that, the others will catch up with ya. Well that one has to do with, when you get ahead of the other, don’t sell them down the river, they’re human beings, they’re bright, they’ll catch on, if you keep going. So, I’ve spent more time with one person than with two. And you know, with a lot of them, back in that Era of seeing both together, this was pretty much so. The one who was going ahead, would go to a certain point and now they can’t go anymore. Then the other one would pick up and go beyond em. They would go that, which is okay. I would not call that, differentiation, per se. It has a kind of differentiation to it. But that would be, somebody has an idea and it works to a point, and then the other has an idea. And then they get both in there. So, I’d like to follow the family that dictates with that. And let the one move it who can. How about another idea.

– [Woman In Audience] It seems to me that sometimes, what appears to be the symptom bearer is not really the symptom bearer, but is the least differentiated of the family, but the family sees them as the symptom bearer. The symptom being that they are differentiated. And it just seems to me we have to sometimes sort that out.

– [Dr. Bowen] Well, of course when you get into the one with the symptoms, and when you get into one, working with one, you’re in individual therapy. OK. If you can be aware of it. There are two parts to that. I’ve seen some families, I’ve got some now, and that would be I don’t know what word I’m looking for. Let me try to just talk about it. When you’re with a big family, the family is going to focus on one family member. And that’s gonna be on the child, the one weakest link, the one who is , most impaired. And they’re gonna make the problem worse. Now, if that family can focus, I’ll tell you what I’ve done over the years. I tend to focus more on the parents. And if the parents can change, without focusing on the patient too much, I do that. If you can do it, and the patient is strong enough, to change, even in the parents. If they can make it a little change, and the parents can’t bear done on the patient as much, the situation can change faster. You can do aon that to see. But, if you can work with both sides of it, and you do not get caught up, if the parents are a bunch of sons of bitches for doing it, if you can get caught up in the old feeling of which says that parents are using the child, don’t get caught in taking side with anybody. But you can say this is applicable. You can help that one. There’s some minor points in that, but don’t get caught up in em. But um, I do not go along with seeing every member of the family, but you can do it anyway. The other members of the family, go and get the hell out of here. They’re gonna move on, they’re finished. That’s the way I’ve done it, and um, because that can be interminable, and the kids go along with it, they just sit there and do nothing.